First observed in October 1981, Domestic Violence Awareness Month is held each October as a way to unite advocates in their efforts to end domestic violence. Communities and advocacy organisations raise awareness about the signs of abuse and ways to stop it, and to uplift survivor stories and provide additional resources to leaders and policymakers.
We’d like to thank this member for sharing her story in the hope that it helps and supports someone else on their journey. Contact any committee member if you would like to contribute your own member story on any women’s issue.
Trigger warning: this story contains details of domestic violence.
“I am a survivor of domestic abuse.” After years of shame, I can now say that without any self-reproach but more importantly I can say that with a sense of pride; pride because through sheer hard work and determination, I have rebuilt myself and my life brick by brick.
The Displacement of Stigmas & Stereotypes – a Story of Hope not Shame
After finding the strength to leave a horrifically abusive marriage, I was a pile of ruins – emotionally, physically, and financially, but 8 years on, I can honestly say I have never been happier, healthier and stronger in every aspect of my life. So, how have I done this? Simply, ‘knowledge is power’ …. by investing time and energy into understanding myself fully (warts and all) I have been able to acquire the tools needed to re-programme my learned behaviour and to break free of my past. It’s not been plain sailing that’s for sure, firstly I needed to go through the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance before I was ready to engage with therapy. Then after therapy finished, I needed to put what I had learned into practice, breaking a cycle of learned behaviour isn’t easy but it is possible. What do they say, ‘you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result each time!’ so I stopped doing what I had been doing in relationships (both platonic, romantic, and professional) and my whole life changed for good.
Childhood experiences
Looking back, I now realise my story began when I was a child, as is so often the case. Now labelled ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), stressful or traumatic events such as abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction, can lead to ‘toxic stress’ that increases the risk of long-term health (both physical and mental) and social problems. In my case it was emotional neglect by my parents as well as witnessing domestic violence between them.
Fast forward to adulthood, exposure to ACEs can impact an individual’s ability to recognise and manage different emotions as well as impairing your capacity to make and keep healthy friendships and relationships. Trauma can distort how individuals perceive personal rights, safety, and control, leading to a belief that their boundaries won’t be respected or that they aren’t worthy of respect. Funnily enough, during my 12-week intensive therapy course, the only topic that made me cry was the one covering the importance of boundary setting. Yes, I cried because I had been triggered but I now realise it was more because it was an awakening, a Eureka moment – I had discovered the thing that had been holding me back and shaping every aspect of my life for as long as I could remember. From that moment on, I knew that learning to set boundaries would be key to my recovery, and that I was allowed to say ‘no’ to people without being a terrible and selfish human destined for an eternity spent in the fiery bowels of hell! That day was without a doubt the turning point in my life, but it wasn’t as simple as that, I knew it would take a lot of hard work and time to reprogramme myself; I have since spent hours and hours unpicking my life and sitting very uncomfortably in my own company taking accountability for the decisions that I had previously made and why so many of my previous relationships had been abusive ones.
Mindset Shift
This period of discomfort, sacrifice and reflection has been key to me seeing myself as a survivor rather than a victim; taking responsibility for one’s own life is empowering albeit pretty painful, ‘it hasn’t been my fault, but it is my responsibility.’ I soon realised that who you blame is who you hand your power over to, and by shifting the power away from my perpetrators I could then take control of my life.
While it’s natural to experience moments of self-pity or blame, dwelling in a victim mentality was detrimental to my wellbeing and was hindering my personal growth. Instead, I cultivated a survivor mentality, empowering me to learn from the adversity and initiate the change I needed so that I could emerge stronger and recover from my complex PTSD.
Understanding Domestic Abuse
As we know abuse comes in many forms, I was subjected to the full-house – physical, sexual, emotional, financial and psychological but my own misguided belief in outdated and misogynistic stereotypes kept me quiet for far too long. I deluded myself that it ‘doesn’t happen to confident, educated, eloquent, financially independent, career women’. Well, it did, and it does, in fact 1 in 6 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime; the police receive a call every 30 seconds, yet it is estimated that less than 24% of domestic abuse crime is reported to the police. These misunderstandings and untruths are rooted in ignorance but have helped create enduring myths and stigmas about domestic abuse. Survivors often experience feelings of guilt, shame or take responsibility for their own abuse. These stigmas aren’t just unhelpful, they can be dangerous because they can and do prevent people from understanding if abuse is taking place or reaching out for help.
The fear of not being believed
For me, over and above the constant degradation, criticism, humiliation, gaslighting, manipulation, social isolation, threats and economic control, the thing that paralysed me into staying in such a coercive and controlling relationship for so long, as well as staying silent for its duration, was the fear of not being believed. I now understand that the fear of not being believed is rooted in ACEs, a deeply distressing emotion, often rooted in past trauma or abuse, where an individual’s vulnerability has been exploited, leading to self-doubt, paranoia, and a reluctance to share their truth. But the perpetrator knows this (whether subconsciously or consciously) and uses it against you so the abuse can continue undetected. In addition, the normalisation of these abusive dynamics becomes perceived as normal by the victim too, often driven by cognitive distortions such as self-blame or minimising the violence; this is termed as ‘cognitive dissonance’ and is the brain’s defence mechanism to protect and numb you from the psychological distress you are experiencing.
When I finally did reach out to friends after I had extracted myself and my children from the relationship, I was met with “why didn’t you leave before?” probably the most unhelpful thing you can be asked especially when you’re wracked with guilt and shame and have asked yourself that same question a millions times yourself (only to discover, through therapy at a later stage, that it was because it was unsafe to do so)! Friends treated me differently and they tried to mitigate my situation because it was unpalatable for them to hear, so deep-rooted are the societal stigmas surrounding domestic abuse. At the time this added insult to injury, so I isolated myself from those people, but I now realise that it was their lack of education rather than an innate lack of empathy that was the root of their insensitivity at the time.
Through support and extensive reading, I have now learned that boundary setting helps protect mental and emotional health, particularly for people with ACEs, who may struggle with feelings of control, and self-worth. Making trauma-informed boundary setting is essential for regaining personal agency and fostering healthier relationships. Setting clear, consistent, and concrete boundaries involves identifying personal needs, communicating them effectively, and having a plan for when those boundaries are challenged, which can be a difficult but necessary skill for recovery and essential to preventing emotional burnout.
I found the below especially helpful, when learning how to set and maintain boundaries:
- 1. Validate your feelings: Recognise and accept your own feelings and needs without judgment; they are valid and the basis for setting boundaries.
- 2. Identify your limits: Determine what you are and are not willing to tolerate in various relationships, both personal and professional.
- 3. Communicate clearly: State your boundaries directly and assertively, using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs rather than blaming others.
- 4. Be consistent: Consistently reinforce your boundaries so others understand they are non-negotiable.
- 5. Be prepared for pushback: Be ready for others to challenge your boundaries and have strategies for responding, such as repeating your boundary or disengaging.
- 6. Prioritise Self-Care: Make time for activities that recharge your energy and support your wellbeing.
- 7. Learn to Say “No”: It is crucial to decline requests or situations that drain your energy or go beyond your capabilities. I found and still find this the hardest!
- 8. Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group who can help you develop strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
What If Your Boundaries Are Challenged?
- 1. Reiterate your boundary: Remind the person, “I’ve stated I’m not comfortable with this. Please respect that”.
- 2. Create physical distance: If possible, remove yourself from the situation.
- 3. Remember your comfort comes first: No matter what, your comfort should be the priority.
My children and I have been to hell and back, but I now see the world not in a cynical way, but with an insightful clarity and with an acquired skill set that I would not have had without these experiences. Perversely I am grateful for that and for the first time in my whole life, I actually like myself, and that’s not something I ever thought I would feel!
Resources
Finally, I thought it might be useful if I shared some of the resources that have personally helped me over the last few years:
- – 12-week Recovery Tool Kit – delivered through local DA charities here or here
- – Grey Rock Technique – here
- – A Cult of One: How to Deprogram Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse by Richard Grannon – here
- – Clare’s Law – here
- – Trauma Related Guilt and PTSD – here
Advice and Guidance
For anybody reading this who is worried about a family member or friend, Women’s Aid website (here) is fantastic for offering advice, information and guidance, including how to support somebody through domestic abuse: here.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse yourself, please don’t feel you are alone because you are not. You can access safe non-judgemental support groups in every area of the country (here), and you will be met with kindness and understanding. I have made lifelong friends from mine; through shared experiences we have formed a bond like no other and they have supported me through my darkest times when nobody else really understood.
If you are in a relationship that you feel is unhealthy, but you are still unsure if it falls under abuse then this online questionnaire will help identify if you are experiencing domestic abuse yourself: here. But I really do urge you to reach out to a friend or a professional for support because you can’t do it on your own and more importantly you don’t have to. There’s no shame in asking for help.
Through sharing my story, I hope to be able to provide confidential friendship and emotional support to people who have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse. For anybody who wishes to reach out to me please email: lucy.gurney@womeninracing.co.uk and she will pass on my contact details to you.
“It’s not for us to have shame – it’s for them” Gisèle Pelicot